“Be mine? I ask that you will wait for me?”
A question asked through the enormity of all that was going on.
My heart skipped a beat, but my mind seemed to slip further down in it’s slump. The dark coloured tracky pants made it clear to me that I was not free to visit this person the way I would like.
The absolute enormity and reality of what the conclusion of events had occurred fell upon me, and hard. My whole body shook and my head became an open fountain from which tears ran freely down my face, as I tried to continue the drive.
My soul wanted to run from it’s hiding place and escape the fear and horror it perceived in front of it.
“I want to run, I want to hide, I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside” (U2 – where the streets have no name)
I want to scream my heart out. As much of it that’s left.
His ex had driven my soul to the edge of eternity, the skin on every surface of me crawled as I sighted her car and trembled from head to toe. My palms sweat as I held the wheel more tightly, but tried to wave and say,
“Did you wave to her everyone?!”
“Did you see her car?”
“Yes. At least we won’t be there the same time as her!” I tried to sound brave, but I think I just looked like a looney. The closer to the final destination we had come to visit, the more and more agitated I became. Everything began to swim before me and I lurched within my soul.
We stood facing the officials with our identification. Two books I had bought for his birthday, which his ma held had to be searched and only taken in by the officer in charge. When our ID’s were cleared, Polly went in and I drove my brother off-site.
Then it was my turn to visit. I felt completely lost, as if I would faint with each step I took. Looking across the room, I saw him sitting, leaning forward, hands on his face, as the tears began to well up. Then he stood as I walked closer and he held me close for an age.
I could melt right here, right now, dissolve, merge, become one with him. My heart was already here – just needed to be re-joined with the rest of itself.
And yet, I have to leave again. Soon, but not soon enough, we shall be joined once again. Our hearts, minds and souls renewed. But for now, we wait. Take each moment as it comes and deal with each new thing that arrives.
To imagine the wonder that will come beyond the pain. Beyond the struggle, beyond the tiresome, the work beyond tiredness.
I knew deep within, that this person, this soul, was the one. I thought I would never feel this way again, but this time it was different. Very different… This time the other person also cared about me as well. My feelings were not mere fantasy. Not merely a crush. Not just a schoolgirl making up a love that could never be. This was something whole, something that could not be matched, or measured.
Could not be understood by the masses. Could not be understood by his ex wife. Her torturous reign would be no more. Her hold over her so-called possessions was slipping and her mental attitude was starting to show and he did not like it.
“No. I have made my decision. And I am sticking by it.” He later told me on the phone.
It made me more in love with him still!
“I am looking forward to being able to look after you, as you’ve done such a great job of looking after me this year.”
The end of this wait cannot come soon enough, I think. All it is doing is causing heartache. My brain seizures at every thought and continues to falter and mistakes tiny mishaps as huge and earth shattering catastrophes.
The wonder and release our souls shall sing with on journeys end.
And I rejoice that the pain is so harsh right now. If it were not, I would surely know I was not alive, as I used to feel – trapped in a dead state, wandering aimlessly with no change, or hope of change.
Life was surprising me at every turn. Once you set your path there is no going back – but you will get the necessary strength for the day.
Go and grow as the decisions you make, become you.