The aloneness, the distance, the ever-present surveillance was dragging, yet bringing us closer. The weapon of choice was time – but no choice, to accomplish all that lay ahead.
One step at a time.
Not knowing if the strength to keep going is there until you start each day and dive in.
The waiting time was coming to an end, but I had not accomplished as much as I had hoped in that time.
Perhaps there was a bit more of my life I was supposed to throw out, or get over first. To move onto the next chapter finally.
What would the next chapter hold? It was exciting, daunting and strange. All manner of emotions flooded my body and my brain was awash with feelings which did not explain their presence.
I am afraid of the end, afraid of the beginning.
So tired, that as far as I have come I still must continue and go through more. I guess it is true, you just get better at going through things – they don’t really get easier.
But what if there were someone who would honestly share that journey with you?
What do I want?
To get someone’s help along the way, I must trust that they will want to help me. Trusting people would be a foreign idea, yet something I really must try someday. To admit that I am incomplete would render me helpless and vunerable and then I may want to stay in that warm place of wholeness. I may not be able to do anything by myself, or be alone again.
It seemed odd that I had mixed feelings about the fact that I had visited that place for the final time. Nothing would ever change the fact I had been there – that he had been there. That we had both had to live through individual hells to be now at this point. We all have a part to play, we are all born to be the people we must be. We don’t need crutches to be who we truly are. We just need to let go and say,
“Yes that’s right, I am me and that is not a crime.”