As I got my stuff settled into Alexa’s place and paid her rent for her, she decided to tell Jeremy’s ex about the two of us. (Which didn’t make any sense to me, because he was living in his own flat, not with her)
To which she guilt-ed him heavily until he caved and he texted me that he could no longer see me.
I was shocked and devastated. Crying and sobbing to my friend on the phone, who told me to, “Fight for him, if you feel you two should be together!”
I then called my brother to see what he felt when he first met Jeremy. He had gotten no ‘bad’ feelings from him, whereas he usually didn’t get along with someone that easily straight after meeting them. (my people-ometer)
So I sent a message back, “I will give you as much time as you need, but I cannot give up the feelings I believe we had.” I was beside myself with feelings of loss and heartbreak.
A little while later that night I got a message back, “You are right about that”.
So I resolved to still keep my heart open a little, but leave him the space I had offered, as much as that hurt me. I felt as if I would never feel wanted, or loved by anyone, ever again. That I had something missing in me which would allow another person to love me the way I loved them. Perhaps I was the only person who loved that way?
My stupid heart wouldn’t stop aching and I didn’t know how to make the feeling go away. It was overwhelming, piercing and suffocating all at the same time. My head wouldn’t stop hating me and it thought of more reasons to back up the fact that I was an unworthy person. My eyes wouldn’t stop crying and they were swollen and hurting.
The next morning I went round to my friend’s place with my brother to have a coffee and try to distract myself from my inward suffering.
Jeremy messaged me, “How are you?”
“Ok. And you?” I replied, feeling surprised that he’d contacted me already.
“Sad and scared”
I felt so angry. Why did it seem like she always won? When was it going to be my turn to win? I thought I had in the very start, but all the wonderful sentiment being told to me, the love lavished upon me were waning and she broke down his resolve bit by bit, until he was no more himself, but a shell.
E-blackmailed by your ex-wife about the kids. He never wanted to be the type of father who would leave his family, leave his kids and had never forgiven his father for leaving him.
But he had married the wrong woman, had partnered up and fathered the wrong person’s children.